Haldir Interviews Sir Douglas Mawson!
by Elf from Downunder
Summary: The Interviewing crew, Haldir, Aragorn, Faramir, Gandalf, Pippin, Legolas and Merry go to Adelaide just to interview an explorer named Douglas Mawson. He's over 100 years old, and Haldir isn't the kindest interviewer. Oh dear. Set in 21st century Australia.
1. Faramir's Awesome Idea

**Author's notes - This is supposed to be incredibly stupid, so don't expect it to be a masterpeice or something. But please, grab a seat and enjoy my first story, which I wouldn't have published if it weren't for my sister, mom, my friend The Phantom Murderer and two other friends of mine. This is for you!**

**Disclaimer - I don't own Lord of the Rings or Mawson, but one day, I shall own Adelaide!**

Haldir Interviews Sir. Douglas Mawson!

"Hey guys, I have an awesome idea!" Faramir exclaimed before seating himself.

Gandalf wasn't interested at all. Why did he volunteer for director? Why did Aragorn have to suggest such a stupid idea? Recently, Aragorn thought it would be great for him and a few friends (Gandalf, Legolas, Haldir, Pippin, Merry and Faramir.) and himself to go interviewing. Why not? I don't know. Gandalf volunteered to be director for an educational experience. So far, all they had done was attempt to interview Marilyn Munroe, and it was going great until her manager kicked them out of her dressing room because Pippin, accidentally set fire to a random feather boa with the camera. Now, Faramir thought of an awesome idea! Well, Gandalf wasn't listening. He'd rather read the newspaper like all boring wizards do.

"We should go interview some one really old so we have a less chance of setting something on fire!" Faramir stated, as the interviewing gang were seated by the fireplace at Merry's house.

"What makes you think old people don't have flammable stuff … and if you think it through, Pippin could set anything on fire. Right, Pip?" Merry asked. Pippin nodded enthusiastically, while shoving potato chips in his mouth. Legolas sighed. "Pippin, that's disgusting." "Wha? Tha I can se ire' o' e'eryhing?" he said, while spitting chewed up chips all over the floor. "No. THAT!" Legolas pointed at the mess on the floor. Pippin just shrugged. "So what? Get Gollum to eat it all up. No big deal."

"I know! Let's interview Christopher Columbus!" Merry piped in.

"He's dead." Gandalf stated, without removing his gaze from his newspaper.

"James Cook?"

"Dead."

"Julius Caesar?"

"Murdered."

"William the Conqueror?"

"Dead."

"Shakespeare?"

"Dead."

"Oliver Cromwell?"

"Dead, and if he were alive he'd accuse us of having fun for he is a blithering idiot!"

"Charles the first?"

"Executed."

"Queen Victoria?"

"Dead."

"Mawson?" all heads turned to the hobbit. "Who's Mawson?" Aragorn wondered.

"Dead." Gandalf said.

"Sir. Douglas Mawson is a famous explorer! He went to Antarctica and wrestled with Polar Bears and ate seals!" Pippin explained. Why do Hobbits know everything?

"That's disgusting." Haldir sighed.

Gandalf thunked Pippin's head with the newspaper. "Don't be stupid! He didn't eat seals and wrestled with Polar Bears! Polar Bears aren't even in the Antarctic!"

"Yes there is. I saw one." Pippin firmly replied.

Gandalf scoffed. "Did not!"

"Did too! It was five meters tall and had razor sharp teeth like a chainsaw!"

"Ohhh ..." the rest were awed. Gandalf rolled his eyes.

"And it went up to me and put up a fight beause he thought I was a penguin, but I was too good for him. Soon he got sick of me, so he went up to me ... and ATE ME!" it was silent.

"If it ate you, why are you still here?" Faramir asked. "Yeah, and what were you even doing in Antarctica?" Haldir added.

"I'm hungry." Aragorn said to no one in particular.

"I have a good idea! Let's go interview Sir. Douglas Mawson!" Merry announced.

"Awesome idea, cousin! I'll get Faramir's camera!" Pippin stood up and ran down the hallway.

"NO WAY PIPPIN! IT'S MY TURN!" Legolas screamed, and went after him, but after running only a few meters, he hit his head on the chandelier. "OWWWWW!" he whined, before falling over and knocking over the bookshelf, and earning himself a few books on the head, and a bonus 3000 page Encyclopedia to knock him out cold.

"It's your turn to interview, HallyBoy." Aragorn said, rising as well. Haldir scowled at him and followed. "I don't even know who this idiot is ..." Faramir started screaming for Pippin to get away from his camera and leaped to his feet, so Gandalf was left alone. "He's still dead ..." he said to himself.

**Please R & R.**


	2. Uncertainty

**Author's notes - Oh, I forgot to mention, this story includes equipment that do not belong in Middle Earth. (Cameras, microphones, tapes, the internet, computers etc.) I apologise for not mentioning before. Remember, I'm writing this story for fun!**

_**Chapter 2 **_

Fortunately, (and strangely) Mawson was still alive! Well, according to Imrahil. Aragorn asked his old friend if he could go through all the names of the residents that were in the old people's home.

"Douglas Mawson, aged 130, room 126 second floor. Is that the person you want?" Imrahil asked, staring awkwardly at the documents he printed from the computer.

Gandalf sighed in reply.

"YES! YES! YES!" Aragorn squealed. "THAT'S EXACTLY WHO WE WANT! Did the website say anything about which old people's home he's at?"

Imrahil bit his lip anxiously as he scanned the paper. "Um, some place in Adelaide ..."

"THANK YOU!" Aragorn shrieked, and before he left the room, he snatched the documents from Imrahil's grip.

Gandalf shook his head. "I pity him sometimes, I really do."

"I don't. I hate him." Imrahil snarled to himself.

* * *

><p>"Let me look at those documents, Aragorn." Legolas held an impatient hand towards the Ranger.<p>

The interviewing crew joined up at Merry's house again, after Aragorn fled from Imrahil's place with the paper.

Gandalf, however, was not present.

Aragorn glared at Legolas. "Are you calling me a liar?"

"Maybe. NOW GIVE!" he snatched the paper and read through it swiftly.

"What if it's a different Douglas Mawson?" he thought aloud.

Aragorn shrugged. "So what? What's the worse that can happen?"

Pippin shivered. "What if it's the real Mawson, and he has a pet Polar Bear that he plays chess with and it'll eat all strangers and ..."

"I doubt that." Haldir interrupted. "You doubt everything." Merry said.

"Should we get started, or what?" Faramir asked, grabbing Aragorn's camera. The night before, Merry and Pippin accidentally smashed Faramir's while fighting over it.

"Shouldn't we wait for Gandalf first?" Merry said, but who here cares about Gandalf? We all do.

Gandalf arrived at the meeting before they all came to the conclusion to leave him. Now, you're probably wondering how these guys will ever get to Adelaide? Easy! Gandalf's magic could just send them there through a portal. Therefore, even if they all wanted to, they could never leave Gandalf. Lame, yes. But how else would they get all the way to Australia?


	3. We've Arrived at Doomed Station

**Author's Notes - The old folk's home is just made up ...**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

"I'm soooo excited! I get to meet an actual explorer!" Aragorn shrieked as the company walked down Adelaide's city.

Faramir was struggling with the map. "Hmmm … it says here we should take a left at the end of the corner in the next mile and ..." No one listened.

Legolas kept on complaining that he had to carry all the equipment. "It's not fair! I have to carry the microphones, and the recording cassettes, and the food, and the camera, while you all do nothing but find the place! MY ARMS ARE SORE!"

"That's nice Legolas, did you forget the empty discs I left on the mantelpiece?" Merry wondered.

Legolas looked confused. "Empty discs? Oh, no I gave them to Aragorn."

Gandalf sighed. Why did he ever get involved in this? Who would've thought Aragorn would come up with this in the first place? Maybe being a Ranger fills his head with crazy thoughts after spending so many days without a shower and sleeping in the wild with no one to talk to but yourself ….

"I hate Earth, it's so weird and scary with all these moving metal things with wheels and tall metal buildings and boxes with moving images inside and …" Pippin could've continued listing the things he hated about Earth, until they walked past a fast food restaurant … "AND FOOD!" he screamed.

Pippin gave Gandalf a pleading look. "Please let me go in a buy something? Please! Please! Please! PLEASE!"

"No."

"Awww … I'll get you a coke ..." Pippin's eyes gleamed evilly. Gandalf would be pretty stupid to accept.

"No, I don't feel like coke spraying all over my face after you've shaken the can. No, maybe another day ..."

"BUT GANDALF! THEY HAVE POTATOE CHIPS!" Gandalf sighed and looked at everyone else for support. Aragorn gave him an impatient look, Faramir shrugged helplessly, Merry grinned, Haldir was reading through his script while walking and didn't notice the street lamp, so he obviously crashed into it and landed on the ground. And Legolas was glaring at the wizard.

"No." he said finally.

* * *

><p>After about an hour, they found the old people's home. It looked pretty glam too, as it was bigger than any normal old people's home. It was about five stories high or so.<p>

Aragorn seemed the only one excited now. Not like everyone was excited anyway. Besides Pippin and Merry.

"We're never going to find him!" Gandalf folded his arms as they entered.

Faramir hid a smile. "Wow Gandalf. So this is where all your friends live ..." Haldir smirked at Faramir's comment.

Gandalf glared at the two. "WHAT?" he roared, and that earned himself a warning glare from one of the care takers who was helping an elderly woman climb up the stairs.

Aragorn then decided to join the joke. "Yeah, Gandy. Don't get lost … or we'll never find you among all these people!" the company burst into laughter, which caused an old man to panic and hide in the bathrooms. No one had laughed that loud at the old folk's home in years.

Gandalf scowled something before warning them that they might all get thrown out before they reached the desk.

A woman, no older than 30, stared in horror at the company as they approached. "We are here to see Douglas Mawson!" Aragorn announced.

She nodded without blinking. "He's on the second floor, room 126." she answered.

The company, in order of Gandalf, hastily ran up the stairs. Pippin and Merry, however, took the elevator and pushed all the buttons. "Weeeee!" you could hear them squeal with delight even from outside.

Meanwhile, the front desk lady could not believe what she just saw. A wizard, two Rangers, two little men with hairy feet and a pair of blonde haired Elves. Why did they all look so familiar?

Aragorn and Faramir, were flat out sweating climbing the stairs. Which was not much, let me tell you. You'd think the two Rangers would take it all easy, but no.

Gandalf was taking swift steps, Legolas kept tripping over because of everything he was carrying, and once he tripped over so bad, he knocked over Aragorn, Faramir and a care taker lady and the four tumbled down in a big mess until they ended up back in the main area. Haldir, however, was keeping up with Gandalf easily.

Aragorn gave Legolas a death glare as they all stood up. "Look what you've done! You've dropped all the microphones and recording cassettes!"

Legolas sighed. "Well it's kinda unfair how I have to carry everything!"

"Not EVERYTHING! I had to read and carry the map!" Faramir snapped.

The care taker moved silently away, hoping she'd find a security guard as quickly as possible.

"How much does that weigh compared to all THIS!" Legolas made an angered hand gesture to all the helpless equipment he had dropped.

Faramir started to think. "Um …. a ... not ... a lot?"

"I'm going to the bathroom." Aragorn said, and turned around, even though the bathroom was the other way.

Faramir sighed. "I'll come with you!" he called.

Legolas was left to clean the mess up. He bent down, picking everything he dropped, muttering rude stuff about men. And every once in a while, an elderly person would miss him and trod on his back. Legolas then started to mutter rude things about elderly people.

* * *

><p>"Weeeee!" Merry and Pippin were still squealing as they went up and down.<p>

Apparently, once they got to the fourth floor, security was called to escort them out of the elevator.

Merry's bottom lip fell. "That was fun ..." he sighed, as he and his cousin walked down the stairs, until they would eventually get to the second floor.

Pippin's eyes lit up as he spotted Haldir and Gandalf walking up.

"Where's the second floor?" Merry wondered.

"Right here!" Haldir over took Gandalf and walked down the second floor. Gandalf followed.

Then, Merry raised an eyebrow. "And where's Aragorn, Faramir and Legolas?" As if on cue, Legolas stumbled into view, and then once he spotted the second floor, he clumsily tripped and face planted. Poor Legolas.

* * *

><p>"Aragorn, why does it take you so long just to go to the toilet?" Faramir moaned.<p>

Aragorn, who was still in the bathroom, shrugged. "I ate before we left." he admitted.

Faramir decided to check his reflection in the mirrors. "Not bad ..." he said.

"What was that?" Aragorn asked.

"Nothing. Just hurry up! Or I'll leave you here!" "No! Don't do that!" and after that, Aragorn quickly finished and washed his hands.

The two companions finally left the bathroom, and were about to walk up the stairs when …

"Um, Aragorn?"

"Yeah."

"Which floor was Mawson in again?"

Aragorn fell silent and stared blankly at Faramir. "I don't remember."

"Either do I."

"Now what do we do?" There was an uncomfortable silence between them.

"We could ask some one ..." Faramir suggested.

Aragorn looked around to see if anyone was in sight. The front desk lady was gone, no care taker was to be seen, and all the old people seemed to have disappeared.

"Or we could look through every room ..." Aragorn said.

Faramir and Aragorn, without wasting any more time, raced up the stairs, and walked into the first room in the first floor. Aragorn ended up getting screamed at by some horrible, witch looking old lady who had lots of cats, and one of them attacked Faramir. Oh, how stupid this plan was!


	4. He Lives!

_**Chapter 4.**_

Meanwhile, on the second floor, you could say everything was just about normal … for the moment.

The Company (Except Aragorn and Faramir of course!) were staring at door 126. Could the explorer Douglas Mawson really be there? An 130 year old? Gandalf, stood there fuming. He wanted oh so much to enter, but the rest ….

"Legolas, is my make-up okay?"

"Yes Haldir … no wait, you need more blush!"

"I'm scared, Pip."

"Me too …. I'm going!"

"NO, YOU ARE NOT LEAVING PEREGRIN TOOK!"

"But Legolas …. he totally has a pet polar bear from Antarctica! I googled him!"

"Can you pick up the equipment?"

"But I'm scared Legolas!"

"Legolas! DUDE! YOU GOT THE POWDER IN MY EYES!"

"What if the bear hurts me?"

"I'LL HURT YOU IN A SECOND!"

"YOU SHALL NOT SPEAK ANOTHER WORD!" Gandalf 's voice vibrated the floor, shattered the windows and startled the company. There was a sudden silence of utterly disturbed shock.

"Yeah Merry …."

"PEREGRIN TOOK! THAT MEANS EVERYONE!"

"Oh."

"PIPPIN!" everyone shouted.

'Sorry' Pippin mouthed.

"Now …. I am going to knock on the door, and when Mawson answers, no autographs! Haldir will interview … I am sure you have studied your lines?"

"Yes …. is my face okay?" Haldir asked, taking a step back into the sunlight coming from the window.

Gandalf merely nodded. "Legolas will film, I will direct and you two ..." he gave Merry and Pippin a stern look. "Stay out of trouble!"

"That reminds me … where the heck has Aragorn and Faramir got to?" Legolas wondered.

* * *

><p>"Um, excuse me … do you have any idea where ..."<p>

"GET OUT YOU DEVIL BOY! YOU RUFFIAN!" the elderly man slammed the door on Aragorn's face. Aragorn sighed, as Faramir expectantly frowned at him.

"Told you I should knock on the door."

Aragorn sighed. "I don't look that filthy … do I?"

"Um … no offence of course … but you look like … like you've been living with pigs for the last decade …."

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I'm a Ranger!"

"So am I ..."

"That doesn't make any difference!" Aragorn protested. "And you are NOT helping!"

"Sorry … can I please knock on the next door?"

"Whatever." Aragorn grumbled. Faramir beamed, and raced to door 34 and knocked.

A man in his sixties opened, and released the horrible stench of … cigarettes!

The man was dressed in but shorts and a singlet. He was … really skinny! And had tattoos all down his arms, and not to mention a cigarette in his mouth.

"Wadda ya want?" he choked.

Faramir just stood there, staring with his mouth wide open.

Rudely, the man shut the door. "Bloody kids ..." he murmured.

Aragorn then glared at Faramir. "What was that about exactly?"

"He … was so ..." Faramir started.

"Weird?"

"No …. he smells like my dad …."

* * *

><p>Gandalf ignored Legolas' statement and knocked. He was given no reply. Hastily, he knocked again, only louder this time. More silence was given.<p>

"Forget it. He's probably dead already ..." Legolas began, about to leave.

But, the door opened, and they did not believe what they saw! It was Sir. Douglas Mawson!

**I greatly thank all my reviewers! :) Sorry this was a bit short!**


	5. The Explorer and the Lady

_**Chapter 5**_

"Douglas Mawson?" Merry gasped.

The old man raised a bushy eyebrow. "Wha?"

"Is that like … really you?" Pippin added.

"What are you talking about? Did they send you?" Mawson asked.

Haldir frowned at who he was about to interview. He didn't exactly look like he explored Antarctica very much.

"Who sent us?" Merry wondered, looking at Gandalf for support.

Gandalf scoffed. "What an idiot." he mumbled, not sure if he were talking about Merry or Mawson.

Mawson looked at both ends of the corridor before urging the company in. "Inside! Quick!"

Legolas sighed as he had to drag all the equipment in. "I hate this ..." he murmured.

As Mawson shut the door, an uncertain feeling began to grow inside Haldir as he checked his script one more time. Well, Mawson was 130 years old now! He might not remember any of the questions!

Gandalf settled himself on a leather armchair which was well out of the way of the camera.

Legolas set up the camera in front of the couch, which had a very confused Mawson seated upon it.

"What is that?" he asked, pointing at either Legolas or the camera.

Merry and Pippin, who skipped around the living room with glee, smiled. "It's called a camera. It can take pictures and record videos by itself!" Pippin said, and he and Merry skipped into the kitchen before Gandalf could decide something for them to do.

Haldir, put his script down and sat next to Mawson with a dazzling smile.

"Hello Sir. Douglas Mawson. My name is Haldir of Lorien, and my friends and I are here to ask a few simple questions." he greeted as nicely as possible.

Mawson's eyes widened. "They didn't send you?" he asked.

Haldir frowned. "Who?"

Mawson pointed to the ceiling. "They come from outerspace …." he droned.

Gandalf, who was just sitting down, frowned. Was this man a crack pot or what?

Haldir, surprisingly, still managed to remain a smile. "That's nice, but no. We come from Middle Earth ..."

"The middle of the Earth?" Mawson gasped.

This time, Haldir frowned. "No, Middle Earth … you know. It's got Elves and Hobbits everywhere? Ring a bell? Ever heard of Eru?"

Mawson gave Haldir a blank expression.

"Okay, Legolas, is the camera rolling?" Legolas gave Haldir the thumbs up.

Haldir sighed. "Great … just great."

"Just keep going Haldir ..." Gandalf urged.

"Okay, whatever." he turned doubtfully at the explorer. "I'm just going to ask five simple questions and you have to answer them as best you can. Understand?"

Mawson automatically nodded.

* * *

><p>Faramir and Aragorn yet again ran away from yet another elderly woman who had screamed and cursed and accused the two men of trespassing. At one stage, Aragorn did try to explain to one woman that it was highly impossible that he was 'trespassing', but the woman threw a pot full of meatsauce on him anyway.<p>

Covered in sticky meatsauce, Aragorn and a clean Faramir, trudged to the second floor.

"For some reason, I have a feeling that we are very close!" Aragorn stated, raising a hand and just missing Faramir's face. Faramir pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Meatsauce and dirty clothes don't go well together ..." he mumbled.

"Aragorn, you've spent your whole childhood in Rivendell and don't tell me Lord Elrond hasn't introduced the word, 'soap', or 'clean water' to you?"

Aragorn frowned at Faramir.

"I do NOT smell bad!"

"You do so! I can't understand how Arwen can stand kissing you!"

"I can't understand how Denethor raised you … no wait, I do."

Faramir was about to shove Aragorn in the chest, but just remembered about the sauce.

"You're knocking this time!" Faramir instead demanded, pointing at the first door.

Aragorn scowled at him. "Wow, I'm going to be welcome with open arms, aren't I?" he indicated to his slimy figure, and then folded his arms. "Tell me Faramir, how many 'nice' people have we met here since we got lost?"

Faramir took a few seconds before concidering his answer. "Does that man who was asleep count?"

* * *

><p>Haldir cleared his throat, before smiling again at Mawson. "Sir. Douglas Mawson, is it true that you survived the terrible wrath of Antarctica?"<p>

"Um, I think I ..."

"Good! Because now I will being!" Haldir stated, as Mawson gave the elf an uncertain look.

"_Suilaid_, Mawson."

"What?" was Mawson's reply.

Haldir still managed to keep a smile. "That means, greetings in Elvish."

Mawson nodded. "I am sorry young lady, but I have never heard of your language!"

This made Gandalf snort with laughter for a second, and Haldir's smile faded.

"I am not a lady! I am an elf! A male one at that ..."

"Oh, I am sorry. I'm just not used to seeing men with hair as long as your's … or the other one." Mawson pointed a rather bony finger at Legolas.

Haldir glared at the man for a while, before continuing. Minus the smile.

"Now, how was your experience down there?"

"Terrible! Antarctica is the worst place to go to ever! I simply hated it there" the old man firmly announced.

There was a short silence, before Haldir cleared his throat. "Then why did you go?"

Mawson was unsure how to answer this. "Because … Oh, I don't remember! Ask someone else."

"Um …. okay. Now, my second question ..."

"Your third!" Mawson interrupted. Haldir coughed.

"No, my second!"

"Bah! Young people! Don't know how to count properly!" the old man scoffed.

"Hey! I know how to count perfectly! And I am way above your age thank you very much!"

For a split second, Gandalf was concidering getting Haldir away from Mawson before something bad happened, but thought otherwise.

"Okay, my 'second' question! Why ..."

"Why is your hair so long?" Mawson interrupted again.

Haldir cursed under his breathed. "What did you say?" he hissed.

"Your hair!" Mawson pointed out. "It's far too long for a bloke!"

"It is not! It is a perfect length for my kind." the Marchwarden complained, affectionalty stroking his long, blonde hair.

Hmm … I think this interview isn't going to end up too well ….

* * *

><p>"Look Merry! What's in here?" Pippin excitedly pointed at the kitchen cupboard. Merry eyed it with a gleam in his eyes, before intructing Pippin to climb on his back to open it. Obviously, what was inside was exactly what they both thought. "FOOD!" they exclaimed, as Pippin grabbed all he could. The two then settled on the floor, and scattered all the food Pippin could take. The following – Cheezels, penut butter, potato chips, jam tarts, choc chip cookies, soda, chocolate and shortbread biscuits.<p>

"So Merry …. what do we do with it?" Pippin wondered.

Merry grinned evilly as he spotted something called an 'oven'.


	6. Run Rangers, RUN!

_**Chapter 6**_

"Do you know what I'm thinking, Pip?" Pippin gazed curiously at what Merry was staring at.

"Um … I'm not so sure Merry." he answered uncertainly.

Merry continued to grin. "What if we cook something to eat while everyone else is in the lounge interviewing?"

Pippin thought for a while. "Um … how are we going to cook anything?"

Merry motioned his head towards the oven. "If we just use that thingy called an oven, we could cook anything in no time!"

Pippin's eyes grew wide. "Really? Including mushrooms?"

"Especially mushrooms!"

* * *

><p>"No, Faramir, the man who was asleep does not count!" Aragorn stated.<p>

Faramir thought again, this time he thought of a reasonable answer. "What about the lady at the counter?"

Aragorn face palmed. "If it was only possible to die of stupidness …"

"And if it's not?" Faramir asked, despite the fact he had no idea what his companion was talking about.

Aragorn shot Faramir a glare. "And if it's not, then you'll make history for sure!"

"HEY, YOU KIDS!" A voice bellowed, making the two jump.

"Why does everyone here think we're kids?" Aragorn mumbled, before he and Faramir faced an angry looking middle aged man. He was dressed in yellow overalls, and had a mop and bucket behind him.

"Do you have an explanation on what's happened to the floor?" He pointed a finger at a trail of meat sauce that led all the way down to the first floor.

Aragorn smiled innocently. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." he announced to him.

Faramir looked confused. "You don't?"

"Nope. Nothing at all … I just so happened to … um ..." Aragorn quickly began thinking, but nothing came to mind.

The man began to twitch in frustration. "So you have no idea why the corridors are stained with meat sauce, and you just so happened to be covered in it?"

Aragorn nodded. "Yep. I'm just on our merry way … visiting grandma or whatever we ..."

Aragorn didn't finish, because the man made a grab for his mop.

"I'm no idiot! Do you think I'm blind?" He shouted, twitching.

"Well, yes. Actually I do think you're blind. I mean, you keep twitching ..."

"Was I talking to you?" the man shrieked at Faramir.

Faramir nodded. "I think you were …. was he?" he looked at Aragorn for an answer.

Aragorn just looked pale. "This isn't how I planned today ..." he muttered.

The man, whose name tag said Tom, sneered. "It's not how I planned my day either! I have to clean that mess up now because of yer'! You young kids have no respect!"

Aragorn chuckled.

"Something funny, boy?" Tom hissed.

"Actually, yes. I'm not as young as I look, I'm actually 87!" Aragorn laughed.

Tom glared at him. "You making fun of me are you?"

Aragorn stopped laughing. "Um, no ... I was just ..."

"COME ERE'!"

The two Rangers ran away screaming into the closest elevator as Tom ran after them with a wet mop.

"SHUT THE DOOR! SHUT THE DOOR!" Aragorn screamed, as Faramir madly pushed the ground button continuously. "IT'S NOT WORKING!" he screamed back in fright, as Tom began to run closer. "YOU WAIT TILL I GET ME' HANDS ON YOU!" But before he could reach out and strangle one of them, the elevator door shut and went down. Tom cursed to himself. "Oh, bother!"

* * *

><p>"Actually, I think you're hair looks awfully a lot like that gentleman's behind you ..." Mawson pointed at Legolas.<p>

Haldir sighed. "Can we change the subject please?" he asked Gandalf.

Gandalf nodded. "You'd better!" and then, there was a loud CRASH! And it came from the kitchen.

Gandalf stood up in fury and made his way there. "MERRY! PIPPIN! I SWEAR, IF YOU'RE COOKING SOMETHING IN AN OVEN! I WILL CUT OFF YOUR ARMS AND USE THEM FOR ORC BAIT!"

After Gandalf rampaged off, Haldir continued his interview.

He, once again cleared his throat and regained his smile. "My second question is ... why did you think Antarctica isn't a great place to explore?"

Before Mawson could answer, he was interrupted.

"WHAT HAVE YOU TWO DONE TO THE OVEN FOR ERU'S SAKE!" Gandalf roared.

"Who's Eru?" Pippin's clueless voice wondered.

Mawson's eyes grew wide. "Aliens?" he thought.

Haldir shook his heads. "No aliens here, I assure you! Just me, Legolas, Gandalf, Pippin and ..."

"MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK!" Gandalf screeched.

"Yeah, and him ..."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's notes - I hope you've enjoyed this chapter! It took me a while, cause' I've been busy lately. Thank you reviewers! :)<strong>


	7. It Runs in the Family

_** Chapter 7 **_

Aragorn and Faramir raced out of the elevator as soon as they heard the familiar 'ding'!. Unfortunately, the two ended up on the highest floor.

Aragorn glared at Faramir. "This is all YOUR fault!"

Faramir's mouth hung open. "My fault? It wasn't my idea to form a stupid 'Interviewing Group' thing! What in the name of Elros made you think of that?"

Aragorn stood motionlessly silent. "What floor are we on?" he wondered.

"Last one, and you didn't answer my question!" Faramir had never been so furious. Normally he was the annoying one that liked to ask dumb questions and form silly things that was no use except for the fact that he and his friends always almost get themselves killed. This was no exception.

Aragorn, smelling horrid with sauce, and was speechless, finally came up with an answer. "How much wood can a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck named Chuck could chuck wood!" he blurted.

Faramir's eyes went wide. "WHAT!"

"Sorry, that was just something Elladan and Elrohir taught me when I was little."

Faramir facepalmed, and found the courage to face is companion in the eye. "Well, here's something Boromir taught me when I was little ..." 'SMACK!' Faramir had his fist tightened and took a huge swing at Aragorn's face, which knocked him out cold.

Faramir couldn't help but panic, as Aragorn fell on the floor like a dead sloth. "OH GREAT TULKAS! WHAT HAVE I DONE!"

And at that moment, a radio that was left on in one of the old folk's room shouted, "KNOCKOUT!"

"SHUT UP!" Faramir screamed.

* * *

><p>"MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK!" Gandalf hollered. What had the two rascals done? They've technically created …. a monster! The meal, which was cheese and melted chocolate and pounds of sugar and hot melted butter and ice-cream, and sprinkled with milo and chopped mushrooms had come alive! A giant blob of all the food slid out of the hot surface and onto the floor. As the oven was absoluley stuffed. Stuffed, as in, burned to the crisp with black ash and electric sparks fizzing at the back.<p>

Gandalf took a deep breath, and began to speak a little more quietly. "What in the name of Eru were you thinking?"

"We were bored!" Pippin replied.

"And hungry!" Merry added.

"And had nothing to do!"

"And then we went into the kitchen!"

"Because we had nothing to do!"

"And then I discovered the pantry full of food!"

"And I chose the ingredients!"

"And we decided to make a meal!"

"Because we were hungry!"

"And so we shoved all the ingredients in the oven!"

"And set it to 250 degrees!"

"And then it blew up!" Merry finished up.

Gandalf was on the verge of exploding. His face went bright red with anger.

"Do you know what you have just created!" he fumed. The pair of hobbits shook their heads.

"Well, first off, you've created a danger hazard ..." the wizard pointed to the sparks flying everwhere. "And second, you've made ..."

"ME!" The blob of food piped up.

Gandalf fainted.

Pippin looked at Merry with astonishment.

* * *

><p>"Okay, can we keep it rolling? I'm bored and hungry and we've lost out director!" Haldir moaned.<p>

Legolas gave him the thumbs up. Haldir lost the smile. Lost the dazzle. Lost the brightness. But he brought in the terror of Elven grace. "Answer this question 'properly' or else I swear, I will haunt you down until you finally have the power to haunt others down!"

Mawson, who was somehow not offended by Haldir's threat, looked puzzled. "What does that mean?"

Haldir facepalmed. "It means … I WILL KILL YOU!" he then cleared his throat.

"My question is … I know how it feels to loose a friend … but do you?"

Mawson scoffed. "Of course I've lost friends! Two of them! It was during my expedition in the Antarctic. One died because he fell down a big hole and the other caught a nasty case of the flu ..."

Haldir looked disturbed … utterly. "He died from the flu?"

This time, Mawson cracked. "I DON'T KNOW! ASK HIM!"

Haldir slammed his fist on the coffee table. "I can't exactly do that because he's DEAD!"

"Don't yell at me young man!" Mawson ordered.

Haldir couldn't help but laugh. "Please, I am a lot older than you, in fact, I'm probably older than everyone here … except Gandalf … what is he doing in the kitchen anyway?"

* * *

><p>"Merry … it's alive!" Pippin gasped.<p>

Merry just knelt down to the unconcious form of Gandalf and gave him an innocent poke. "Gandalf?" he whispered.

The reply he got was but a muffle of insults and mumbling of the sort. Gandalf groaned as he regained his strength, and was able to stand up again and face what the hobbits had done.

He pointed at the blob of distorted food as if it were Gimli wearing a pink tutu. "What in the name of Manwe is that?" he asked himself.

Pippin raised an eyebrow at him. "Why do you always talk about all these people we don't know? Who's Manwe? Who's Eru?" "Quiet Pippin!" Merry snapped, as the blob just magically disformed and became a disgusting pool of liquidised food.

Gandalf then gave Merry and Pippin his death glare.

Merry smiled innocently, and Pippin was wondering what happened to the blob.

"Do you know what you have done?" the Maiar hissed. Merry shrugged. "Where did the blob go?" Pippin asked no one in particular.

"I'll tell you what you've done … YOU'VE CREATED A FORM OF LIFE OUT OF FOOD! DO YOU KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THAT IS?" Gandalf roared.

Merry beamed. "We created life out of food?" he asked.

"Well … only for a few minutes … but you still created life!" Gandalf stated firmly.

All of a sudden, before Pippin could make an unimportant comment, a huge spark burst from behind the oven and it turned into a flaring fire in no time.

* * *

><p><strong>So ... this chapter got a little weird in the kitchen. Sorry, it was just a weird thought that came into my head. Merry and Pippin making food come alive! My reviewers are most appreciated.<strong>


	8. It's Chaos!

_**Chapter 8**_

Faramir looked in every diection, hoping no one was making their way upstairs. Fortunatley, the stairs were empty, and he cast the unconcious Aragorn a worried glance.

Maybe it was only okay if Boromir punched people, not him.

With a heavy sigh, Faramir grabbed hold of Aragorn's feet which were still covered in meat sauce.

"EW!" Faramir shrieked, as his hands came into contact with the slimy substance.

He dropped Aragorn's feet with a thud and wipped his hands frantically on the 'white' walls. Well, it wasn't so white after he wipped his hands on it.

"Oh darn." he whispered. Could things get any worse?

"HEY YOU!" The familiar voice shouted from the elevator.

Faramir groaned. "You've got to be kidding me!"

Tom took big angry strides towrds him, so Faramir had but one choice. To roll Aragorn down the flight of stairs and follow.

He dragged (Much to his disgust) Aragorn in front of the stairs, and hesitated to roll him down. 'Thump, thump, thump, SMASH! Thump, thump …' and with that, Faramir ran after the falling Dunedain.

Tom, realizing he'd just missed him, cursed again, and didn't bother running after the two.

He thought the elevator was better for his health. As he made bis way, he screamed out loud as he saw the meat sauce smothered on the walls. That just so happened to be white.

* * *

><p>"Anyway, back to the interview! Apparently you aren't originally from Australia. Is this true, and if it is so, where do you really come from?" Haldir was trying to sound a little brighter.<p>

Mawson looked bewildered. "And you expect me to remember where I come from?" his eyes grew wide.

Haldir maoned and hit his head continuosly on the coffee table. "No you stupid, senile old man!"

Mawson ignored him, and said, "If you want to know that, ask my parents."

Haldir stopped hitting his head and glared at him. "I'd love to do that. I might just pop into a time machine and go back in time when your PARENTS WERE ALIVE!"

Mawson was not impressed. "How dare you! SECURITY! THERE IS A MAD MAN IN HERE THAT'S YELLING AT ME!"

Haldir stood up in stunned shock. "What?" And before he or Legolas knew it, three bulky looking men burst into the room, wearing blue/grey uniforms.

Legolas, who gave up on filming, screamed and hid under the ever mentioned coffee table, and Mawson pointed at Haldir critically.

"Get him! He's been harrassing a poor, old, fragile man like me!"

Haldir squealed in horror as the guards began walking towards him, but they stopped when one of them realized something.

He turned to his companions and looked nervous. "Is it just me, or do you also smell smoke?"

Haldir looked alarmed at what the security guard stated and burst into the kitchen.

* * *

><p>"ARRRGHHHH! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!" Merry yelled, and jumped on the table with Pippin.<p>

Gandalf kept stepping back as the fire grew bigger. He looked at Merry and Pippin with a comforting gaze.

"Do not fear! I shall rid us of this feind!" and with that, he got out his staff, and was about to put out the fire … but to no avail.

Haldir ran in, and before Merry and Pippin could say, "FIRE IN THE HOUSE!" the poor Marchwarden slipped over some of that blob and his hair flew into the fire.

As Mawson ran outside screaming, Legolas and the three guards known as Ben, Michael and Thomas, poked their heads through the kitchen door and gasped, as Haldir was running around the alight kitchen with his hair on fire. "MY HAIR! MY HAIR! OH ERU, PUT IT OUT!"

Before anything worse could happen, Gandalf put out the fire with his staff.

As the fire hissed and went out, smoke went everywhere and ruined everyone's view.

Legolas and the trio ran back into the lounge coughing, Merry and Pippin were cheering, Gandalf sighed and sat down … but Haldir unfortunatley saw his reflection on the stainless steel bench and screamed.

"I'M BALD! I'M BALD!" and with that, he ran out of the whole building crying. Gandalf sighed and stood up. "I'd better find him before he gets run over .."

* * *

><p>Everyone on the ground floor was startled when Aragorn rolled into view, with Faramir following.<p>

What woke Aragorn up however, was when he collided with an eighty year old woman, and she then ran off calling for security.

Aragorn groaned, and as he stood up, he rubbed his temples. And then he saw Faramir, who looked guilty. "What happened?" he asked.

Faramir gulped. "Well … I kinda ..." but he never finished.

The elevator door opened, and out came the furious Tom. What was that guy's problem? Seriously.

Aragorn gripped Faramir's arm in fear. "What now?" he whispered, as Tom caught sight of them. "I'VE GOT YOU NOW!" he cackled.

Faramir took Aragorn's arm, and they ran as fast as they could into the dining room.

They pushed and shoved their way past all those old people, who spat and cursed at the duo.

Tom just strolled ever so simply and was gaining his lost time after the two.

Faramir and Aragorn ran and knocked a few people over, and ended up to a dead end. There wasn't even a bathroom to hide in!

They turned around in terror at the wrath of Tom, who was snarling. "Come on. All I did was ruin the carpet a little ..." Aragorn said.

Faramir gulped again. Tom just laughed and grabbed someone's kitchen kinife and went hollering after them. Faramir and Aragorn screamed like Arwen and Eowyn would've, and jumped on someone's table in fright.

It just so happened, that someone had food! And that food, was sardines and rice.

Ignoring the stuff that was on their boots, Faramir and Aragorn lept from table to table, getting more food stuck in their boots, as Tom still continued to holler after them.

That is until, the front desk lady caught them. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" she shouted above the mayhem.

Tom dropped the knife suddenly, and the two on tables stood still in shock.

The lady folded her arms and glared at them. "In case you didn't notice, this place is for the elderly and disabled! Not a game center for your madness! Take your game somewhere else! And Tom!"

Tom lookd at her in shame. "Yes?"

"Go clean up a reported wall stain on the top floor." Tom went of mumbling.

After he went up the elevator, she turned her cold gaze upon Aragorn and Faramir, who were still on the tables. "I've got the perfect punishment for you two ..." at this, the two gulped in unison.

* * *

><p>The next day, Legolas, Gandalf, Pippin, Merry and a bald Haldir went through that portal Gandalf made, and were home again.<p>

Well, they were in Merry's house to be exact. Haldir plopped himself on the armchair.

"I am never interviewing again! Not if I'm gonna loose my hair every time!" he stated.

Legolas sighed and sat on the floor. "That was awful. Don't worry Haldir, you'll get your hair back soon." he comforted.

Haldir scoffed. "It's not my hair I'm worried about! I'm scared out of my wits to walk into Lorien! I'll be the laughing stock, and Rumil will just go on and on and ruin my reputation!"

Merry offered to make everyone some tea, which only Pippin was happy to accept.

Gandalf breathed a deep breath and sat down. "So, our interviewing days are at and end. A tragic end at that ..." he glanced at Haldir, who folded his arms.

"Mawson is the most idiotic, stubborn old man I've ever met! You would ask him one simple question and go absolutley nuts in a matter of seconds. Lucky Aragorn and Faramir missed out on all that. I wonder where they are anyway?"

* * *

><p>Faramir and Aragorn trudged out of the bathroom, wearing janitor uniforms and carrying mops and buckets.<p>

The front desk lady, folded her arms and smile with approval.

She was forced to make up the nametags on the two, because they claimed that they were called Faramir of Gondor, and the other was .. well, he had numerous names. Aragorn, Strider, Estel, Thorongil, Elessar … Fred and Adam they were now called.

They walked sadly and shamefully up the stairs, and sighed as they had to clean up a puddle of red wine that was purposly spilled by Tom, who retired. Aragorn shook his head. "Valar save us …"

**_The End_**

* * *

><p><strong>I really do hope you enjoyed this story that I made up in class last year. (Because I was bored to the max) It isn't much, but I'd be happy if you reviewed, read or anything of the sort. A big thank you to my previous reviewers! The Purple Monkey321, The Phantom Murderer, Donkeyballs123, sheofthehairyfeet, butterflyninja935 and Tinuviel of Lorien. :)<strong>


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